the speech impediment of the 21st century (by Marc Johns)
I’ll fuck you up buddy this is not a speech impediment it’s linguistic evolution!! the existence of the phrase “Aisha was like” allows the speaker to convey whatever Aisha said without making the listener assume they’re quoting Aisha directly while still maintaining the FEELING of what Aisha said.
ie, Aisha said she didn’t want to go out with me VERSUS Aisha was like, “I’d rather kiss a Wookie”.
the addition of “XYZ was like” lets the speaker be more expressive and efficient and it is a totally valid method of communicating information!!
With the way language has evolved, this is one of the few ways I can even think of to express in casual conversation what someone said.
"So I said to Aisha," is certainly used, but if you remove the "so," which implies casual tone ("and" can be used in the same way), you get
"I said to Aisha," which is really formal in most English dialects/variations. I don’t know about all, but in New England dialects, you sound like you’re reading aloud from a novel.
"I told Aisha," is really only used when you continue to describe, not tell, what you told her. Ex: "I told Aisha that James was too punk for her" works while, "I told Aisha, ‘James is too punk for you’" crosses the line back into formalness of the "I said."
Things like “I asked” or “I answered [with]” are similar levels of casual and efficient to the “So, I said [or say, as many conversations about the past take place in present tense anyway, as if the speaker is giving a play-by-play in the moment]” but are specific to only certain situations.
"I was like, 'Marc Johns, what is your obsession with restoring archaic speech patterns and interfering with the natural progression of English from complex to efficient?'" envelopes all of these easily and is accessible and crisp, and allows for more variations on inflection than the others.
Of course, James is probably like, “I already fucking said that.” But eh, I tried adding on.
This a million times
Marc Johns needs to sit down
not to mention this is a construction that other languages have already evolved (there’s a linguistic distinction in japanese between ‘i am quoting directly’ and ‘i am giving a paraphrased version of what was said’)
Walmart brand Ice Cream Sandwiches don’t melt
Walmart food is literally the scariest shit like once I got a carton of eggs AND THEY WERE FERTILIZED. FUCKING DEAD BABY CHICKEN IN YOUR STUPID FUCKING EGGS LIKE REALLY WHAT THE FUCK WALMART?!!!?? WHAT THE FUCK.
dumbledore: hagrid im gonna need u to get rid of the philosophers stone
[hagrid just uses the stone to make himself and fang immortal]
men disgust me and i don’t mean that in a silly misandrist tumblr post zinger way I mean that at least 80% of the men I have met say think and do really disgusting shit regularly
DO SHE GOT A BOOTY
She don’t. Where her booty should be is nothing but a swirling void. I try to look away but cannot. The void beckons me. I shall not return. Tell mother that I love her, and that I am sorry.
No sex act is “revolutionary.” Fucking is not activism. Get over yourselves.
Neither is sex shaming. Real activism has nothing to do with it.
When did this post shame anyb— OH GOD JIMMY YOURE A 28 YEAR OLD SEX POSITIVE MALE FEMINIST. JIMMY.
We have a winner.
I’m not evil, I’m good impaired!
girls think having a period sucks but try having to fix your penis discreetly through your pocket
having the insides of your organs shed and come out through your genitals does not compare to having displaced balls sorry
none of you can do it discreetly anyways
we see you
everyone sees you
people all the way across the planet see you
I WANNA BE A PRETTY GIRL WHO WEARS FLOWY DRESSES AND BOWS AND CUTE SHOES
BUT I ALSO WANNA BE A GUY WITH BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND FACIAL STUBBLE
BUT I ALSO WANT TO BE A PUNK GIRL WITH TEAL HAIR AND CROSS JUMPERS
BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WANT TO BE A GUY WITH BEANIES AND COMBAT BOOTS AND PIERCINGS
dye your hair teal, get some piercings, and wear manly button-ups with flowy skirts and combat boots and punch anyone who doesn’t fall on their knees and worship you
"It is not uncommon for a spiral dragon to rapidly speak and gesture nonstop for hours, then pass-out midsentence without warning."
"When a Guardian dragon comes of age, it instinctively seeks out a charge to protect for the rest of its considerable life."
(from the flight rising encyclopedia)
i thought a guardian with a spiral charge would be cute uvu
"You can’t just change the race of cultural icons like Captain America! It’s an important part of their identity and message!"
Jesus: Ah yes.
Jesus: Can’t imagine who would do that.
Jesus: What a shame.